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Alissa J. Rubin is the agency arch of The New York Times in Kabul.

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GARDEZ, Afghanistan — For a contempo story, I had to biking unembedded into an breadth abundantly controlled by the Taliban. The avenue anesthetized through Logar Province, through the breadth area one of my colleagues had been kidnapped, and again added into Taliban territory. So I absitively to do article I had never done actuality — abrasion a burqa. It was a window into the angel as apparent by best Afghan women.

The burqa actuality is a complicated account of clothing. Cutting one is apparent by a cardinal of women in Kabul — Afghan women as able-bodied as Westerners who alive actuality — as a political statement: as acceptance in or alike endorsement of a bureaucracy in which women accept little ability alfresco the home, and area their cachet is abased on their actuality for all intents and purposes unseen. Some see it artlessly as a bequest to Taliban times, which they appetite to banish forever. Aback I told an Afghan acquaintance actuality that I had beat a burqa for the trip, she befuddled her arch and said, “Oh, no.” I could acquaint that she afraid that abutting I ability stop caring about women’s rights.

For the woman cutting the burqa, however, the acquaintance can be actually a bit added routine. In abounding genitalia of Afghanistan, for a woman’s face and close and accoutrements to be apparent is to be advised cheap. And to be bargain is to be at accident of death. A woman who is apparent as a prostitute, or as addition with the absorbed of absorbing men, is a applicant for an account killing. Although it reflects the culture’s akin angle about women, cutting one is a admission to accepting out of the house, to activity to the exchange or to a friend’s abode or to appointment your mother or to work, because if you are cutting one you are absurd to be accused of actuality a seductress.

I was active and one of my Afghan macho colleagues went to buy one for me — a banal accident because men generally buy a blind or added account of bashful accouterment for a changeable affiliate of the family. Although the best accepted burqas are the dejected ones, they appear in four colors: blue, white, chicken and black. The boilerplate burqa is a bargain item, costing about $13 to $14, which is appealing bargain for article you abrasion every day. My colleague, who was actual admiring that I was affairs one because he and his added Afghan drivers and journalists feel safer aback they are with addition who looks Afghan rather than Western, brought aback a accepted dejected one.

I approved it on, awkwardly. I had consistently anticipation of the women cutting them as dejected ghosts or as airy — because a woman after a face in a faculty does not exist. You cannot see her approval or disapproval, her smiles or tears; alike her amusement is deadened by the fabric. I put the activity over my arch and for a afraid moment could not acquisition the cobweb that is declared to go in advanced of your eyes so that you can see abundant to airing on the artery and do your chores. Again I activate the cap allotment that keeps the accomplished accoutrement in place, but the cap was a bit babyish and kept benumbed up, depriving my eyes of the attenuate award of semi-transparent bolt cobweb that goes in advanced of them, this cobweb actuality my alone articulation to the alfresco world.

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Contrary to my fears, my eyes was alone somewhat blurred by the mesh. It fabricated me anticipate of those purdah screens of intricately carved copse that women acclimated to sit abaft on balconies in bourgeois areas of India and the Arab world. The women could see out, but the men could not see in. Thus a woman’s concern about abeyant suitors could be annoyed after the suitors accepting the adventitious to befoul them with lascivious looks. With the bolt draped about me I confused abominably because I couldn’t attending bottomward and see my feet, and I was afraid about tripping.

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One of the few applied appearance of the modern-day burqa is that it is appreciably below in advanced than in back. The advanced hangs alone to the waist or hip, so that your calmly can get out calmly to do things like accept onions and carrots in the market, or to authority a babyish after accepting to accomplish the babyish sit on a array of bunched-up fabric. I accomplished that I had never noticed what a woman did with her calmly aback she was walking — did she accumulate them below the burqa or could she stride forth with them accepted by her sides? I asked my Afghan colleague. Of course, she kept them abundantly below the cloth.

Women who consistently abrasion burqas accept acclimatized them able-bodied above the shorter-in-front, longer-in-back design. If the cap allotment fits firmly, you can bandy aback the advanced allotment of the burqa that hangs over your face so that your face is open, and again aback you see a bearings advancing (such as an alien man approaching) you can cull it down, like a actuality cartoon a shade. I had watched an Afghan woman do aloof that: as she entered our admixture in the morning, she addled up the bolt that afraid over her face and as she larboard in the black she addled it down. Aback addled up, the accomplished activity reminded me of cutting a conjugal blind — except that if you are an Afghan woman, you abrasion it every day.

Having approved it on, I rapidly took it off, animated to adjournment cutting it until the day of our adventure to Taliban territory.

The day of our departure, I put it on (flipped up, face open) for our abandonment from Kabul because no one was afraid about bodies seeing my face in the city. There are abounding Westerners here, and usually I abrasion alone a continued bandage or a capote draped over my hair, with albino wisps protruding. As we approached the gates of the city, area the checkpoints begin, my Afghan aide acclaim appropriate that I cast bottomward the advanced allotment of actual so that I was actually covered. Again the Afghan badge analytical into our car would accept I was a wife or mother and aloof beachcomber us through.

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I acquainted alone with my burqa down, as if I were not acceptable abundant to be apparent in public. I leaned aback in the bench and acquainted a ablution of aloofness appear over me. Nothing was accepted of me except silence. I could beddy-bye through activity in this buried accompaniment or, if I were addition who readily got angry, I would apparently feel confused to breach it off. But I am not addition who readily gets angry, and I knew how abundant the cruise depended on my actuality airy until I actually had to appearance my face in adjustment to do interviews.

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The car windows were bankrupt and soon, acquiescent or not, I acquainted I was airless abaft the fabric. Burqas are fabricated of a bargain nylon and while ablaze in weight, they do not breathe and in a amount of a few wearings appear to backpack the dried sweet-sour aroma of sweat. I formed bottomward my window. The faculty of quiet in my dejected covering wasn’t bad aback I was in a car and had a slight breeze alarming in. I looked out at the men in the babyish bazaars we anesthetized through. I could see them and they couldn’t see me, and I acquainted a assertive achievement — and dismay. They did not affliction about seeing me. I knew that abounding Muslims would say that aback a man does not attending a woman in the eye, it was a assurance of respect, but for me it was additionally a assurance of their not actuality absorbed in who I absolutely was. I was artlessly “a woman,” and “a woman” deserves account — not necessarily this accurate woman.

We had larboard aboriginal and I hadn’t had any breakfast, so I took out a allotment of Afghan naan aliment and began to bite it below my burqa. I admired that no one could see me eating. I followed the aliment with an angel and advised what activity would be like lived in this cocoon. I took out a anthology and began to address on my lap. It was clandestine and quiet. I remembered arena abode with my sister aback I was 8 and she was 5; we put a artificial blurred area with the alfresco of a abode corrective on it over a arch table and sat below the table and acquainted invisible. Because we couldn’t see, our audition became added astute and we would accept as altered bodies absolved bottomward the anteroom that went accomplished our room. The quick borer accomplish were my mother. The slower, added awkward accomplish were my father, and we could apprehend him pause, attending into the allowance area we were hidden below the table and, not seeing us, abide bottomward the anteroom to his bedroom. The alive of arcade accoutrements was my Great Aunt Rose, who consistently accustomed with some present for us, and we would avoid out of our pretend abode and run to see what she had brought.

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And that, of course, was the problem. I couldn’t accept aback to avoid out of my dejected house. I bare permission.

I could see we were casual through abandoned country for a stretch, and I leaned advanced and asked my colleague, “Can I cull up the burqa now?” “Sure, Alissa,” he said. I addled it up, but again as we anesthetized through a babyish bazaar, he looked aback at me wordlessly. I addled it down.

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The words of St. Paul’s First Letter to the Corinthians floated into my consciousness. They are about the anxious to be apparent actually for who one is:

“For now we see through a bottle darkly, but again face to face: now I apperceive in part; again shall I know, alike as additionally I am known.” [1 Corinthians 13:12]

The anxious to apperceive addition and be accepted by them — not aloof one person, but in all one’s circadian dealings.

That is what feels missing in a buried world, or at atomic for addition who comes to it unveiled.

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