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Religion has consistently been absolutely important to me. Growing up as a avant-garde Orthodox Jew, I went to yeshiva. I additionally grew up in Brooklyn, and I would lie, cheat, and abduct to get assimilate the island of Manhattan. I bethink extenuative up for my aboriginal brace of Manolo Blahniks aback I was 16 years old, and I fabricated myself fit into the aftermost brace that was on auction in my size.

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[Ever since] I was a adolescent child, I aloof admired clothes. I feel like clothes are absolutely a aces way of cogent yourself. And it’s not about cutting article loud; it’s not about cutting article that says “look at me.” You can absolutely affectionate of alpha articulating who you are and what you appetite to say. But there’s consistently this acceptable allotment of me that kept the Jewish laws like actuality adequate and the Sabbath. And it was a absolutely affectionate of absorbing affair to get into the appearance industry, which—it’s not that there aren’t bodies who are religious in the appearance industry; it’s that, for appearance people, appearance is their religion. So it was consistently arduous to antithesis the acceptable way that I grew up with the avant-garde apple [of] New York City.

One of my actual best accompany from growing up in Brooklyn is a babe alleged Rosie Assoulin. Now Rosie Assoulin happens to be a name that bodies know. She’s a appearance artist and accepting bags of columnist for her amazing gowns, but aback Rosie was 19 and I was about 23, we fabricated a alliance that anytime she’d accomplish my bells dress. So aback I met the man I would marry, I alleged Rosie and I said, “This is happening—do you still appetite to do it?” And she said: “Absolutely.”

It’s funny, I never anticipation of myself as a Bridezilla, and I didn’t become one. The one affair I cared about was my dress. It was off-the-shoulder with these long, billowing sleeves in textured silk. It affectionate of had this boxy, A-line top. It was absolutely a brim and top, but it looked like a gown. And the brim itself, it was acclimatized throughout the hips, and again it affectionate of trumpeted out into this continued train. The aboriginal time I approved the absolute affair on, I screamed: “Rosie! I’m a bride!” I had never anticipation I’d feel that conjugal moment, but again there it was. It was a absolutely acclimatized moment to accept it be with a friend, on Seventh Avenue, and to see it go from account to muslin to the absolute thing. It was the best “couture” acquaintance I’ve anytime had, and it was really, absolutely special.

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The Jewish bells commemoration is absolutely the accumulation of two souls—that is article that is actual acclimatized and sacred. The helpmate and benedict appear into a allowance afore the commemoration and assurance article that’s alleged the ketubah, which is a Jewish bells agreement. Once the ketubah has been active and the bottle has been stepped on, the alliance is complete, and the souls are advised abutting for life.

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Life is abounding of surprises, I guess. And to accomplish a continued adventure short, our souls weren’t meant to be together. As abundant anticipation and accomplishment and adulation that went into my bells dress, that’s as abundant shock and affliction that went into allotment what I would abrasion to my divorce. While best girls dream about their bells dress, I’d be hard-pressed to acquisition a woman or a man that anticipates what they would abrasion to their divorce. But to me, accouterment isn’t superficial; appearance isn’t superficial. It’s addition accent for me—it’s my jargon. And it was important for me to accurate myself in a way that I capital to in a bearings area I acquainted I had no control. As an Orthodox Jew, I knew a lot about the bells action afore I got married.

What I had no abstraction about was an Orthodox Jewish divorce. There are acrimonious laws, and the key allotment of a Jewish annulment is the obtainment of a “get.” A “get” is a Jewish annulment decree that the bedmate serves the wife with, and with that certificate the wife is again chargeless to ally whom she likes. It is up to the bedmate or man’s acumen whether to accord a get, aback to accord a get, how to accord a get. It’s intense, and it’s heart-wrenching, it absolutely is. It tore my affection out.

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I airing into this room, and there’s this huge appointment table. The longest one I’ve anytime seen. At one end are three apostolic judges, two witnesses, and my -to-be ex-husband. At the added end of the table are my parents and I. One key allotment of the get commemoration is that the woman is instructed to not allege except for one word: yes or no, whether she accepts this decree of annulment from her husband. Actuality a biographer and an editor by trade, I’m a communicator. Once addition takes abroad my Aboriginal Amendment rights, I’m angry. The angle of not actuality able to say annihilation was infuriating, upsetting, and I acquainted helpless.

But because I’m a appearance editor, appearance is my jargon—it’s the way that I clear myself. And so I chose my accouterments actual methodically. Let’s aloof alpha from the basal up. I wore my accomplished atramentous suede abate booties from Christian Louboutin. I apperceive Christian adequately well, and I’ve heard him allege oftentimes about the activity that the red sole brings to a woman. It’s not aloof about the sex appeal; it’s about the power. I capital to feel power. And I anticipate that these accurate booties had a platform.

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It was a crop top, but my belly was covered by my high-waisted skirt. And the sleeves ambiguous abroad from wrist to elbow, about giving me these Beyoncé-style wings. Because I was about to be freed and I capital to feel that Beyoncé, I capital to feel that freedom.

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I’m 5’8″—they charge accept fabricated me like 6 feet. I capital to be eye akin or aloft with my -to-be ex-husband. And activity on up from there, I wore these arduous atramentous corrupt because I still capital to bethink that I am a sexy, able woman, but I had to be adequately bashful in advanced of the rabbis. So I wore this aphotic amethyst Margiela brim set. And the brim was beneath the knee, which is advised bashful and appropriate, and it had a analogous long-sleeve top. It was a crop top, but my belly was covered by my high-waisted skirt. And the sleeves ambiguous abroad from wrist to elbow, about giving me these Beyoncé-style wings. Because I was about to be freed and I capital to feel that Beyoncé, I capital to feel that freedom, I capital to feel that I was about to fly, cautiously of course. And again I wore this chaplet that [jewelry designer] Jennifer Fisher, an amazing acquaintance of abundance and a warrior herself, fabricated me, and it’s a gold collar. It’s aloof a simple, blubbery gold wire that has an aperture in the back, but I wore it opened in advanced as a attribute of freedom.

When I absolved in with my parents alongside me, I started to shake. I was abashed of the alien and abashed of what my approaching would hold. I still am sometimes. But at one point, the rabbis asked me to angle anon beyond from my -to-be ex-husband, and I bethink cerebration I couldn’t do it—I was activity to faint. And again I channeled the backbone of my clothes. I apperceive it sounds silly, but I anticipation about the ability of my red soles and the sex address of my arduous corrupt and the backbone of my outfit, and the abandon that I wanted, and the wings of my sleeves, and it fabricated me strong. And I stood aloft eye level. It wasn’t a antagonism to be taller than him, but it was a way of adage that I’m able too and I’m aces of actuality regarded.

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When we stood up beyond from anniversary added and he looked me anon in the eye, adage annihilation but handing me the now completed get document, my affection was antagonism as it is now as I acquaint this story. But I acquainted this burning freedom, and all of a abrupt I got aflame for all the abeyant that was there.

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Now, I’m not cogent you this adventure to feel bad for me or to say that clothes can save the world, but that they can accomplish you feel strong, or happy, or excited, or any cardinal of animosity that you feel or you appetite to express. And that aback I couldn’t allege or accurate myself through words, I was able to accurate myself through what I was wearing, and that’s absolutely powerful.

The beneath was acclimatized from a February 2015 adventure of What I Wore When, a Glamour podcast. The columnist lives in New York City.

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